Don't Let the Lobbyist Write the Bill

A small bald man in an oversized grey suit with a red tie and brown briefcase, grinning too widely and holding up a blank piece of paper.

Written by a guy who can't win
Illustrated by a robot who can't vote

The lobbyist peeking around a doorframe, waving with a big grin, briefcase tucked under his arm.

Hey.

Hi there.

So . . . I have this idea for a bill.

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The lobbyist gesturing enthusiastically with both hands, grinning, briefcase at his feet.

It's a GREAT bill.

Really.

You're going to LOVE it.

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The lobbyist proudly presenting a document with a grand gesture, grinning.

I even have a name for it.

"The Everything Will Be Cheaper Bill."

Doesn't that sound nice?

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The lobbyist casually leaning back, one hand dismissively waving, the other holding a very thick stack of papers.

You don't even have to read it.

It's very long.

Very . . . technical.

I basically already wrote it for you.
You're welcome.

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The lobbyist shrugging with a 'what can you do' expression, grinning, briefcase in hand.

My cousin writes bills ALL the time.

In Florida.

He says it's totally normal.

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The lobbyist in full panic: eyes wide, mouth open, sweat drops flying, hands up, briefcase dropped on the ground.

Look, I have very important
DONORS who—

. . .

I mean CONSTITUENTS.

Very important CONSTITUENTS
who really need this bill.

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The lobbyist with arms crossed, eyebrows raised, guilt-tripping expression, grinning.

Don't you want things to be CHEAPER?

I thought you LIKED cheaper things.

It's called the Everything Will Be Cheaper Bill.

It's right there in the name.

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The lobbyist leaning forward aggressively, pointing, grinning but with an edge.

EVERYBODY does this.

Do you know how many bills
I helped write last session?

Seventeen.

Nobody complained.

(Well. Nobody who could afford to.)

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The lobbyist in full meltdown: face red, mouth screaming, arms flailing, tie flying, papers exploding from his briefcase.

LET ME WRITE THE BILL!!!

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The lobbyist standing perfectly composed again, grin snapped back into place, straightening his tie. Papers are still scattered on the ground around him.

. . .

I'm fine.

Totally fine.

How about just . . .
a tiny little amendment?

Nobody reads those.

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An empty office chair with scattered papers on the floor around it. No character.

They let the lobbyist write the bill.

Don't let the lobbyist write the bill.

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Paid for by Committee to Elect Andy Bowline

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